How to Develop Fierce Boundaries

Durga Energy

The People-Pleasing Recovery Programme

Let me be brutally honest about something many of us struggle with: chronic people-pleasing. I've been the kind of woman who says "sorry" when other people bump into her, who sometimes agrees to things she doesn't want to do, and who, occasionally, still puts other people's comfort before her own wellbeing.

Where does this come from? Usually a combination of conditioning to be "nice," past relationships where keeping the peace meant making ourselves smaller, and societal messages that women's value comes from how much we can offer others.

But here's what Durga is teaching us: people-pleasing isn't actually kind or loving. It's self-abandonment disguised as virtue. When we constantly override our own needs to make others comfortable, we're not serving anyone. We're just teaching others, and us, that our feelings don't matter.

Working with Durga energy is like having a cosmic bodyguard who whispers: "You are allowed to have preferences. You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to protect your peace."

If this resonates with you, beautiful sister, you're not alone. Most of us were conditioned to believe that our value comes from how much we can do for others or how little we disturb the status quo. This month, we're unlearning that programming together.

Learning the Language of Boundaries

Setting boundaries used to feel impossible because many of us literally don't know what they're supposed to sound like. "No" feels mean. Expressing our needs feels selfish. Protecting our energy feels antisocial.

But Durga teaches us that boundaries aren't walls - they're gates. They allow the good stuff in and keep the draining stuff out. They're not about controlling other people; they're about honouring our own sacred nature.

Here are some boundary phrases to practice this month:

Instead of: "I'm so sorry, but I don't think I can make it..." Try: "That doesn't work for me, but I hope you have a wonderful time."

Instead of: "Well, if you really need me to..." Try: "I'm not available for that, but I can help you brainstorm other solutions."

Instead of: Agreeing to plans you don't want and then feeling resentful Try: "Let me check my energy and get back to you."

Instead of: "Sorry for bothering you, but could you maybe..." Try: "I need..." (No apology required for having needs!)

At first, these phrases might feel foreign. That's normal! We're learning a new language - the language of self-respect. The more you practice, the more natural it becomes. And here's the beautiful thing: most people actually respect clarity more than wishy-washy people-pleasing.

Boundary Roleplay for Sacred Sisterhood

Let's have some fun practicing boundaries together! Think of some examples together and take turns roleplaying! 

Here's an example of a scenario to practice with your sisterhood group:

Scenario: Someone asks to come shower at your house before work because they went out all night and your house is close to their workplace.

Boundary Response: "I understand you're in a bind, but my morning routine is sacred time for me. It sets up my whole day and I'm not comfortable having guests during my morning hours. Maybe you could book into a gym or ask someone who's more available?" You could add “I’d love to see you at some point during my social hours though!” 

That way you have set a boundary ‘no morning un-invited guests’ and reinforced that you have allocated ‘social-time’ boundaries.  

This isn't about being ‘stuck up’ or ‘selfish’ - it's about loving yourself and taking your peace of mind, routine, and sanctuary space seriously. You're setting boundaries around your time, mental calm, and sacred space. These are things you deserve.

When you showcase to the world that you respect these boundaries, you're teaching others how to treat you. If they have problems with your boundaries, they're not worthy of your energy. And dear sweet sister, I promise, there are so many people out there who will love and respect your self-care and boundaries.

You’ll find that you have people in your life who don't respect your boundaries, can't celebrate that you're taking care of yourself or won’t be able to relate to your self-love journey. This is where the "just let them" mindset needs to take shape. Let them be annoyed. Let them judge. Let them have whatever emotion is triggered in them. It is none of your business. Because it is out of your control. What you CAN control is what you allow or do with your space, your time and your energy.

Say to them in your mind: "If you can't respect that I'm loving myself, then that’s okay. You are on your own journey. You're not ready to evolve with me. I will wait for people who understand and love me properly".

The Energy Vampire Inventory

Working with Durga energy makes us acutely aware of how different people affect our energy field. Some humans naturally enhance our life force just by being around them - we leave conversations feeling inspired and uplifted. Others seem to unconsciously drain our energy, leaving us feeling depleted and heavy.

This isn't about judging people as "good" or "bad." We all have moments when we're needy or naturally giving. But becoming conscious of these dynamics allows us to make better choices about how we manage our sacred energy.

This month, I invite you to do what I call an "energy vampire inventory" - honestly assess which relationships and situations consistently drain your life force. There's the constant complainer who always has drama but never wants solutions, just someone to absorb their negative emotions without taking responsibility for creating change. You know the one-upper who can't let you have a moment of joy or accomplishment without making it about them or diminishing your experience. Then there's the guilt tripper who uses emotional manipulation to get what they want, making you feel responsible for their feelings, and the boundary pusher who doesn't respect your "no" and keeps asking for the same things you've already declined.

Perhaps most draining is the energy leech who shows up in a terrible mood and somehow leaves feeling great whilst you feel awful. And let's not forget the user - that person who only contacts you when they need something: favours, money, drinks bought for them, your time or resources - but is never available when you need support. They've learned that you can't say no, and they exploit this beautiful quality of yours.

When Sensitivity Attracts the Wrong People

If you're a sensitive soul, an empath, or an artist like so many of us awakening goddesses are, you need to be particularly aware of people with narcissistic tendencies. These personality types naturally attract narcissists because of our empathy, creativity, and giving nature. It's like we have a beacon that says "I will understand you, accept you, and give you endless chances," which is beautiful but can also make us targets.

Narcissists are drawn to people who can provide them with what psychologists call "narcissistic supply" - attention, admiration, and emotional energy. In the beginning, they often love bomb us with excessive flattery and attention, claiming we're "special" or "different" from everyone else. They push for fast intimacy or commitment, and honestly, it can feel amazing at first. It seems too good to be true because, well, it usually is.

As time goes on, the control and manipulation tactics emerge. They gradually isolate you from friends and family, monitor your activities, finances, or communications, and use guilt, shame, or fear to control your behaviour. You start feeling like you're walking on eggshells, never knowing what mood they'll be in or what might set them off.

The emotional manipulation is perhaps the most damaging part. Gaslighting becomes their favourite tool - making you question your own reality or memory until you don't trust yourself anymore. Everything becomes your fault through their blame-shifting, never theirs. They use the silent treatment as punishment and display hot and cold behaviour - loving one moment, cruel the next. What's most heartbreaking is their complete lack of genuine empathy. They cannot truly acknowledge or care about your feelings, everything becomes about them even when you're sharing your achievements or struggles, they show no real remorse for hurting you, and they use your vulnerabilities against you like weapons.

If you're wondering whether someone in your life might have narcissistic traits, ask yourself these questions: Do they struggle to take responsibility for their actions? Do they lack genuine empathy for others' pain? Do they have an excessive need for admiration and believe they're superior to others? Do they exploit relationships for personal gain, with conversations always circling back to them? Do they react with rage when challenged or criticised, and do they have a sense of entitlement to special treatment?

Protecting Your Sacred Energy

When you must interact with someone who displays these patterns - especially family members you can't completely cut off - there are ways to protect yourself. The grey rock method has been a lifesaver for me. You become as boring and unresponsive as possible, giving short, factual answers without sharing personal information, emotions, or reactions. Narcissists feed off emotional responses, both positive and negative, so starving them of this supply often makes them lose interest.

I've also learned the importance of an information diet. I limit what personal information I share about my successes, struggles, relationships, or plans because they will use this information to manipulate or undermine you later. It feels unnatural at first, especially if it's a family member, but it's necessary protection.

If you're dealing with someone particularly difficult in your family or workplace, document everything. Keep records of interactions because these individuals often rewrite history or deny things they've said or done. It helps you maintain your sanity when they try to gaslight you later.

Building your support network becomes crucial because these people often try to isolate you. Maintain relationships with people who support and validate you, and join groups or communities where you feel seen and valued. Most importantly, trust your gut. If something feels off, it probably is. These individuals are skilled at making you doubt your perceptions, but your instincts are usually spot on.

When Family Members Are the Problem

Dealing with difficult family members is particularly challenging because you can't simply cut them off without consequences. I've learned some survival strategies for holidays and family gatherings that have saved my sanity. Limit visit duration and always have an exit strategy. Stay in a hotel rather than their home if possible, bring a supportive friend or partner as a buffer, and prepare responses to typical triggers in advance. Give yourself permission to leave early if needed - your mental health is more important than family expectations.

Financial boundaries become especially important with family. Never lend money you can't afford to lose, don't co-sign loans or credit agreements, keep your financial information private, and have a separate emergency fund they don't know about. I've learned this the hard way.

The emotional boundaries are perhaps the hardest but most necessary. Don't seek their approval or validation - you'll never get it in a healthy way. Don’t discuss any personal choices with people who judge them, even with close family. Accept that they may never change or acknowledge their behaviour, focus on your own healing rather than trying to fix them, and remember, dear goddesses, that their behaviour is about them, not you. We are all on our own individual journeys of growth. Including your parents and siblings. We are not responsible for other people’s journey choices.

The Favour Collectors and Boundary Pushers

Some people aren't necessarily narcissists, but they're users who've learned to exploit those of us who struggle to say no. They only contact you when they need something, ask for money, drinks, or favours without reciprocating, "forget" to pay you back, make their emergencies your responsibility, and guilt-trip you when you set boundaries.

I've developed some protection strategies that work beautifully. The broken record technique involves repeating your boundary calmly without explaining or justifying. "I can't lend money right now" - full stop, no elaboration needed. The 24-hour rule gives you breathing space: "Let me think about it and get back to you." This removes the pressure to say yes immediately.

Conditional helping allows you to maintain some connection whilst protecting yourself: "I can help with this, but not that." Set clear limits on what you're willing to do. For financial boundaries, I've made it a policy rather than a personal decision: "I have a rule about not lending money to friends and family." It's much easier to maintain.

Creating the Connections You Deserve

But beautiful goddess, this inventory isn't just about identifying what drains you - it's about getting clear on what kind of energy you want to invite into your life. As you're awakening to your divine nature, you naturally start craving connections with people who match your vibration.

What kind of friend would you love to have in your life? Someone who celebrates your victories without trying to dim your light? Someone who supports your growth and spiritual journey? Maybe you're drawn to people with similar health habits who understand why you choose nourishing foods and prioritise movement. Perhaps you want friends who value personal development, creativity, or consciousness work.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with becoming more selective about who you spend time with. In fact, it's a sign of your growing self-respect and clarity about your worth. You might find yourself naturally disconnecting from people not because you're being aggressive or mean, but because you're choosing to spend your precious time and energy with those who uplift, inspire, and motivate you - people who share similar values and are also committed to becoming their best selves.

Imagine having a circle of friends who genuinely cheer for your successes, who understand your spiritual practices, who support your boundaries, and who inspire you to keep growing. What values would they have? Maybe they're committed to personal growth, treat their bodies as temples, practice conscious communication, support other women's journeys, or share your interests in creativity, spirituality, or making a positive impact in the world.

This isn't about being exclusive or thinking you're better than others - it's about recognising that you deserve relationships that nourish your soul rather than deplete it. As you continue awakening your inner goddess, you'll naturally attract people who are on a similar path of growth and consciousness.

When No Contact Becomes Necessary

Sometimes, despite our best efforts at boundaries and protection, the only healthy choice is to completely cut contact with toxic individuals. This decision never comes lightly, especially with family members, but sometimes it's necessary for your mental health and wellbeing.

The signs that it might be time for no contact usually become undeniable: your physical or mental health is suffering, they've threatened or enacted violence, they consistently violate your boundaries despite clear communication, interactions leave you feeling drained or traumatised, or they're actively sabotaging your life, relationships, or career.

If you reach this point, implementing no contact requires blocking them on all social media and communication platforms, possibly changing your phone number, informing trusted family and friends of your decision so they don't inadvertently share your information, and sometimes even considering a restraining order if there's harassment or threats. Be prepared for what therapists call an "extinction burst" - they may escalate their behaviour before giving up.

The guilt and grief that come with this decision are real and valid. Remember that choosing your wellbeing isn't selfish. Allow yourself to grieve the relationship you wished you could have had. Seek therapy or support groups for people who've experienced narcissistic abuse, and celebrate your courage in protecting yourself. It takes incredible strength to walk away from toxic family dynamics.

Once you identify these patterns, you can start implementing what I call "energy protection protocols." This doesn't necessarily mean cutting people off entirely unless necessary, but creating conscious boundaries around how much of your energy you're willing to invest in different relationships.

Remember, beautiful sister, you are not responsible for managing other people's emotions or fixing their problems. Your energy is sacred, and you have every right to protect it. As you continue awakening your inner goddess, you'll become more discerning about who deserves access to your beautiful, sensitive, creative energy. This isn't about becoming cold or closed off - it's about becoming wise and selective about where you invest your precious life force.

The people who truly love you will step up to respect your boundaries. Those who were primarily interested in what you could do for them may naturally fade away - and that's actually a blessing.

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